Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
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Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
me adding lol on a serious message
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I am a gravy boat captain
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*puts cutlery down*
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
We need more people like this.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE