those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
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And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.