i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
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*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.