driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I don’t get marriage
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
new shirt idea
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.