I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
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I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog