I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
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kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Breaking news:
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”