911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
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The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.