I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Just say no
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔