My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams