If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
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“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Happy Febuary everyone!
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Breaking news:
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.