Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
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People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich