Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
me when I see my crush
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave