boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Single and childfree like Jesus
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly