her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
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Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
This fish is cracking me up
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that