The Sun’s probably Asian.
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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Birds & Planes.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”