You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
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I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I have a type: disappointing
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
How software testing works
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Name this drama.