FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
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Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.