I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
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I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
the council will decide your fate