When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
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I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?