Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
You Might Also Like
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Ah yes. The three genders
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises