I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”