I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
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[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.