Danger is very dangerous
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I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
gentlemen, hear me out
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened