good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
So creative 😂
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Welcome
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this