If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
doing your own taxes
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married