My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
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have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.