st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Liquor Store Parking
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I’m calling the cops.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked