Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
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Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
A classic…
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
looks legit
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
BRO LMFAO
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I’m not average. I’m mean.