Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
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The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi