After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her