Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
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Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan