One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
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Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Breaking news:
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me