*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
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I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.