Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
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Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
ok this is my dumbest yet
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
oh u like geography? name every lake
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon