Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
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[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
i choose….tongue
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Brilliant!
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.