I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
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My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”