Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
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Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.