If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
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If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary