Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.