I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
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CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.