Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
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Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
She was REALLY feeling it.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔