You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
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Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?