Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
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20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
podcasts
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.