[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
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Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.