Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
You Might Also Like
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*