Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
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You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I hope it’s French Onion!
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
iPhone X
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
me linking you to my twitter
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.