King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
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My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.