The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
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Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
How dramatic are you?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.