[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Catering service
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”