Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
who will stop them
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.